Random Thoughts

• I've maintained my weight thus far this summer, staying around 186!  Yay me.  Hoping to continue to maintain, and then lose about 30 more pounds after the summer ends
• Camp is hard on this new lifestyle.  Since starting on May 22nd, I've been to the gym a grand total of 2 times.  I need to find a way to get in more activity.
• My hair is falling out, like by the handful.  I saw Dr. Newton on June 4th and he ordered some blood work.  I was expecting to have a thyroid issue so I was surprised to hear that I had a B12 deficiency. This has caused lots of questions...with very little answers. 
• I'm taking B-12 shots.  One a day for a week, one a week for a month, then monthly.  
• My hair continues to fall out and no one seems to know when it will stop or if it will grow back
• I bought a wig last weekend, but feel embarrassed and ashamed to wear it.
• I had an emotional breakdown yesterday.  
• Read 2 Corinthians 12 "Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's  power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  Trying to trust in his sufficient grace and remember that I am more than the hairs on my head, and he knows their number...even if they are changing rapidly.
• Struggling to stay positive and trust His plan
• Thankful for praying friends who encourage me, love me, and accept me for who God created me to be.  
• Anxious, stressed, and downright scared about what the future holds.
• Thankful for an amazing Mom who loves me more than I deserve and supports me no matter what.
• Thankful for camp.  It feels like my safe place.

From the Inside Out

I don't know if you've heard this song, but I LOVE IT.  It’s called The Inside Out.

I think that the lyrics speak my heart about where I am in this journey that I'm on.  Here are the lyrics with my thoughts in blue.

1,000 times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

Should I stumble again

I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades

Never-ending your glory goes beyond all fame

I've failed at living a healthy lifestyle in the past, and I'm sure that I'll have slip-ups in the future.  However, His mercy remains and He loves me no matter what I weigh, look like, or even how healthy I am.  When I'm tempted to walk this journey because I want to fit in to what the world says is beautiful, I can trust that He is everlasting and will not fail me.  This world and what it says is important and holds value is only temporary.  I am living for Him and His glory is what matters, not my own.

Your will above all else

My purpose remains

The art of losing myself

In bringing you praise

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades

Never-ending your glory goes beyond all fame

He commands me to put Him first and make Him top priority.  I am to lay down my life (and my desire for laziness and food) and follow Him obediently so that He can work in me and through me.  When I am made less and he is made much of, He receives glory and I am bringing him praise in my obedience.


My heart and my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
I have to give Him control and surrender completely and daily.  It is not my desire to have a smokin' hot body, but to truly be changed on the inside.  I need Him to consume me so that I seek Him above food.  The changes on the outside are only a reflection of the inner changes.


Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love you from the inside out
I want to truly walk this journey because I love Him completely, not because I'm seeking acceptance or love from others.  I don't want to embrace the praise of others, but only the praise of One, and praise and glorify Him in my obedience.

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades

Never-ending your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out 

oh My soul cries out

My heart and my soul

I give you control

Consume me from the inside out

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love you from the inside out

Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades
Never-ending your glory goes beyond all fame

A New Craving

I had my 3 month follow up appointment on March 29th where I weighed in at 200 (-48).  I've come a long way in a short time!  The best news of all.  My A1C was 5.8 ('normal' is 6)!  My blood sugars have been under 140 for a while now and Dr. Newton reduced my Metformin to 2 pills instead of 4 and stopped the cholesterol medication that I was taking.  That was a big blessing as the Metformin pills are huge and I hate taking medicine!  If I can keep my A1C below 6 and my blood sugar (after eating) below 140, I'm hoping to come off all medication by my next appointment on June 29th!  Since my last appointment a month ago I've lost an additional 6 pounds and am officially in the one hundreds.

Before beginning this journey to better health I was always craving unhealthy foods: ice cream, chocolate, cupcakes, french fries, chips.  I have eaten none of those things in the last 5 months and honestly don't miss them, and don't crave them. I've even had all kinds of chocolate in the candy bowl on my desk at work and haven't even thought about eating just one.  Thank you Jesus for setting me free!  I do however have a new craving of sorts. A very strange and weird craving...for me at least.  I'm actually craving exercise!  I know, crazy!  I'm enjoying Zumba class at the YMCA and even a Tabata class at Anytime Fitness (which is painful and HARD!!! Think P90X)  I'm also actually using the elliptical.  My personal best in 3.1 miles in 26:45.  I always thought that the elliptical was harder, but after running at 5.0 for 5 min with Nicole today I was wrong.  That 5 min was hard, but I did it.  I need to start using the treadmill to work up my endurance.  I really need to start running outside, but don't crave that yet!  I'm doing the Peachtree Road Race 10K in July and would like to at least be able to run a couple of miles of it.  I need to suck it up and 'train'.  I've exercised 6 days a week for the last 2 weeks, and don't like missing that one day.  That is a miracle for me!

I still struggle with consistent weight loss.  It seems like I lose 2 pounds one week and then gain .2 the next.  However, although I do weigh every morning, I'm learning that the scale does not define me.  My worth is not found in my weight.  My goal is not to see a number on the scale, but to live a healthy and full life.  My goal is to eat healthy, stay away from refined sugar, and exercise regularly...for my entire life.  I'm doing that.  While I may not be a size 6 and weigh 125 pounds.  I'm on the road to living a healthy life, I am succeeding!

Insert Interesting Title Here...

It's been 2 months since my last post.  I never claimed to be good at this whole blog thing. Thanks to my loyal fan (surely there's at least one) for being patient with me. 

My diabetes is still under control.  I check my glucose twice a day, and for the most part it stays in the 90-115's...if I eat too much fruit or carbs before bed it is higher at night, but usually back down by morning.  My last Dr. appointment was on December 29th.  My A1C was 8, which was still t0o high, but it had only been a 2 months since my diagnosis.  I'll be tested again on March 29th, and I'm hoping that my A1C is at 6, which is normal.  On a positive note, my cholesterol went from 218 to 86.  I haven't talked to my Dr. since my blood test, but I'm hoping that he will allow me to stop taking my cholesterol medication when I see him in a few days.  

My diet is going well.  I've added more carbs to my diet, but only fruits and whole grain bread.  I've lost a total of 47 pounds since my first doctors appointment.  I'm trying not to focus on the number on the scale, but living a healthy lifestyle.  When I focus on the scale I get frustrated if I don't see big steps in the right directions.  I'm trying to remind myself, that while the weight is coming of slowly (1lb a week average) it's coming off!  It seems like when I get excited about hitting a weight milestone, I jinx myself.  For example, I feel like I've weighed between 205-200 lbs FOREVER!!  The other morning I weighed and finally saw 199.8!  Hallelujah!  This may not seem like a big milestone, but for me it was huge!  The next morning I weighed in at 202! Argh!  So frustrating.  However, I reminded myself that I made healthy food choices, exercised...and success is not just seen on the scale.

Speaking of exercise, I've been working out with my friend on Tuesday mornings, and it's not as unbearable as I feared.  She doesn't judge me and is extremely encouraging.  Don't get me wrong, it is HARD...but also rewarding.  I actually think I may have some muscles in this body of mine.  In addition to working out with Nicole on Tuesdays, I'm taking a Zumba class on Thursdays.  I've enjoyed the class and have convinced several friends to join me most of the time.  I don't know that I would go without them...so I owe them a big THANK YOU!  I try to go to the gym at least one other day a week and usually spend about 30-45 min on the treadmill.  I've even made it to 2.5 miles, which for someone who hates exercise...is quite an accomplishment!  I even run for about 5 min at a time.  I entered the lottery for the Peachtree Road Race this year, and hope to 'train' (and I use the term loosely) so that I can run a mile then walk a mile and hopefully finish in a decent time.

That's about it as far as where I am in my journey to living a healthy lifestyle....maybe I'll actually update again next week after my appointment...or it may be a few months...who knows :)

Update

Well, so it's been over a month since my last blog, but there really hasn't been to much to write about. I've lost a total of 24.6 lbs with weight watchers, and 33 lbs since my first Dr. appointment. Yay me! :) It really has been very easy. I haven't had any sugar since November 16th, and I don't really ever crave it. I had mm's all over my house in December as apart of my decorations and didn't eat one! I didn't really even want one. I had several friends and their kids over one night and we decorated gingerbread houses. I didn't even lick icing off my fingers. (That was hard, but not because I wanted the sugar, I just did not want to have to go to the sink every 2 seconds).

Ever since my diagnosis of diabetes I was crazy worried about Christmas day. We eat breakfast at my sister's house and she makes some amazing breakfast casseroles, and mom has homemade sweet rolls. I ate 2 boiled eggs and some Greek yogurt. We then drove to St. Simons just in time for Christmas dinner at my aunt and uncle's house. This is where most of my worry was placed. You see, my uncle is an AMAZING chef! I always say chef because he is much more than just a good cook. One of my favorite things about Christmas dinner is his scalloped oysters...with butter, creme, and LOTS of saltine crackers. He also makes some amazing desserts. I made up my mind about what I would eat weeks before Christmas and made a sugar free pumpkin pie so that I would have something sweet to eat with everyone else. I called my aunt to find out what was on the menu and decided I would eat turkey, beef, and collard greens. I even decided that I would eat a serving of scalloped oysters....eating around the crackers. It was great! Everything tasted amazing and I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. That was totally God's grace! I even lost 4.8 lbs that week!

Mom and Mema gave me several gift certificates to Anytime Fitness here in Cleveland for Christmas and I joined at the beginning of the month. I have been once. I do NOT like to exercise. I feel like I am under a microscope and that people are thinking..."Look at that girl jiggle as she runs"...."She only walked for 30 min?" "She is so slow, that's not going to get her anywhere". I also have a fear of the weights because I don't know what I'm doing and don't want to look like a fool. This is something that must get over and have been praying about. If you read this, and pray, please pray that the Lord would give me a desire to work out, and that I would find/make a friend that would work out with me to make my workouts more enjoyable. (Funny how prayer works, I just typed that sentence and got a text from a friend asking if I wanted to 'play' Just Dance on the Wii tomorrow! I love when prayers are answered before they are even asked.)

Speaking of exercise, I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow who offered to help me with personal training. I said at the beginning of this journey that I want to be completely honest with myself and my readers, both of you, so here's another truth. I am scared! I'm not worried about sweating or hard work, I'm scared of disappointing her. I scared of her thinking less of me because of my lack of stamina, or the state of my out-of-shapeness (yes it's a word :) ) I'm scared of failure and not being able to do what is asked of me. Why oh why is it so hard for me to be content in Jesus. Why is his loving me not enough? Why do I need the approval of others? I need to cast off the cares of this world and the things that weigh me down and live in the freedom that is Jesus. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner that has been released from jail, but doesn't know how to walk out. So, I took the first step and committed to 4 sessions with her. I really do know that she truly has a heart of gold and wants me to be successful. She cares about me and whats me to succeed. Oh how I let the enemy win the battle in my mind.

Speaking of the mind, I've been thinking a lot about that lately. My whole battle with weight and exercise has been a battle of my mind. I would eat because I deserved it. I needed the ice cream, or chocolate, or chips because I'd had a bad dad, or a good day, or whatever. I could rationalize eating anything. I feel like my success this far has first occurred in my mind...most thanks to my diabetes. Sugar is not beneficial for my blood sugar so I made a mental decision not to eat it. That is why it has been so easy for me to say no to dessert, even when it is right in front of me. I made up my mind early that I would say no to sugar. Before I started this journey, I would tell myself that it was too hard to say no, that I was genetically inclined to be fat, or that it wasn't worth it....all lies. It's amazing what a simple change of mindset can do. I can only thank Jesus for that change....that's the only explanation for where it came from.

Knowing is Power...And Now I Know

I finally attended the diabetic education class today. It was an all day event (8:30-4:00). I learned alot, some was good news, some was bad.

THE GOOD:
- I can actually eat fruit...in moderation....but I can eat it! I have been eating less than 15 carbs per meal, but was told today that I can have 45 per meal. HALLELUJAH!

- There are lots of great medication options.

- I'm not alone, there are support options.

- I can eat some of my favorite things at Christmas dinner.

- Knowledge is power...and now I have knowledge.

- With lots of hard work I can prevent/prolong having serious complications.

THE BAD:

- This is not reversible. I will always have diabetes, and will always have to monitor my blood glucose.

- There are lots of serious possible complications.

- Treatment, and living this new healthy lifestyle will take lots of planning and creativity to keep cost down and to be successful.

Thanksgiving: Week 2 Update

So I'm not the most creative with my titles...but oh well. Last week was a pretty good week. I'm anxious to get started with my diabetic education classes. This has been my #1 frustration. I don't know how to best change my eating habits, and don't necessarily trust the online information I'm finding. When I was first diagnosed on 11/9/11 Dr. Newton said that he was referring me to diabetic education. I never heard from the office so I called the following Monday to ask and was told that since Dr. Newton is new to the practice they still haven't worked out some communication kinks, and therefore didn't get the referral. I had an appointment 2 days later and still had not heard from the referral nurse. After talking to Dr. Newton I went to the referral desk to find out what the hold up was. I was told that the classes are only offered once per month, and that I had already missed the November class (which was 'usually' the 3rd week of the month). As of today, I have STILL NOT HEARD as to when the December class is! It is so frustrating! So for now my meals consist of 2 boiled eggs for breakfast and a chicken breast and veggie (usually collard greens or asparagus) for lunch and dinner. I keep sugar free jello in the fridge for the evenings when I want something that's sweet. I can't wait to know exactly how many carbs I can have so that I can (hopefully) reintroduce fruit to my diet! It is getting really difficult eating the same thing everyday...and I'm afraid that if I don't introduce some variety I'm setting myself up for failure.

Weight watchers what disappointing last week. I lost 1.7 lbs. I know that it's a loss, but that's only 4 lbs in 2 weeks. It seems that I should be losing more with the lack of carbs/calories that I'm eating....but I'm trying to remind myself that a loss is a loss!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I did really well. We had a non-traditional meal of beef tenderloin, collard greens, asparagus, cauliflower mash, and sweet potato fries. I didn't eat the sweet potatoes or the cauliflower, but mainly because I wasn't really that hungry (PTL!) I did have a slice of sugar-free pumpkin pie that I made...and it was really good!

My blood sugars are slowly going down. On average it runs in the 130's. Dr. Newton says that my fasting sugar needs to be at 100 or I'm going to have to start a non-insulin shot. I can not imagine having to give myself a shot everyday so I'm REALLY praying that by my appointment next Wednesday they will be at 100!