Why?

I've spent the majority of my life being 'fat'. I have several theories as to why. Hopefully I'll get a clearer answer to the "Why?" along this journey.

I grew up in a single parent home where my mom couldn't afford fresh veggies all the time. We ate a lot of macaroni and cheese and hotdogs. I don't remember eating a lot of veggies. I think that this could be one reason why I don't really enjoy them to this day.

I've dealt with a lot of things that felt like rejection in my life. The most major was my dad choosing another family over ours. I think that was the beginning of my never feeling good enough or worthy. I've been left out intentionally (and unintentionally) and have been rejected when auditioning for a solo's or drama parts for different events. Both of my Grandmothers have had expectations of me that I didn't meet. I was the only granddaughter on one side and never felt thin enough, girly enough, or eloquent enough for her liking. On the other side I was the biggest grandchild and always felt somewhat out of place and was always doing something wrong. My mom always seems to see the negative in what I do (or don't do). When she is positive I have a hard time excepting it as genuine. I've always been the person that gives in to what others want. I would rather someone else choose an activity or restaurant than have them be disappointed in the choice that I might make. I've always cheered for the underdog, and hoped that someone would cheer for me. All of this is how I FEEL...not necessarily what is TRUE! They are excuses that I need to overcome...and they are all lies from the enemy. We all make mistakes and I need to forgive those that have hurt me in the past and seek to be optimistic. My dad made some hurtful decisions, but they have been made and my holding on to the hurt doesn't help him, me, or our relationship. Everyone deserves and opportunity to be the "star" at some point, my being rejected only made way for others to have the spotlight. I wasn't rejected. I was selfish. My Grandmothers weren't disappointed in who I was, they only saw who I could be and wanted to best for me. My mom loves me. She is my biggest supporter. She may not say it, but she sees the best in me...I mean who tells people that they are glad they took the trash out or love the freshly cut grass? So what if someone is disappointed in my choice of restaurant or activity? They can voice their opinion and we can compromise, or they don't have to participate...and really are they going to be disappointed? I have great taste and it's just one meal. What's wrong for cheering for the underdog? I'm commanded to care for orphans and widows and show compassion.

I allow satan to whisper lies in to my ear way to much. John 8:44 says that "He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.' I must remind myself of this daily and recognize that he is a liar! I need to hold on to truth. God chose me. He adopted me as an heir with Christ. He finds me worthy because of no act of my own. He loves me and created me to glorify Him. I can do that by being obedient and enjoying him.