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It's been 2 months since my last post.  I never claimed to be good at this whole blog thing. Thanks to my loyal fan (surely there's at least one) for being patient with me. 

My diabetes is still under control.  I check my glucose twice a day, and for the most part it stays in the 90-115's...if I eat too much fruit or carbs before bed it is higher at night, but usually back down by morning.  My last Dr. appointment was on December 29th.  My A1C was 8, which was still t0o high, but it had only been a 2 months since my diagnosis.  I'll be tested again on March 29th, and I'm hoping that my A1C is at 6, which is normal.  On a positive note, my cholesterol went from 218 to 86.  I haven't talked to my Dr. since my blood test, but I'm hoping that he will allow me to stop taking my cholesterol medication when I see him in a few days.  

My diet is going well.  I've added more carbs to my diet, but only fruits and whole grain bread.  I've lost a total of 47 pounds since my first doctors appointment.  I'm trying not to focus on the number on the scale, but living a healthy lifestyle.  When I focus on the scale I get frustrated if I don't see big steps in the right directions.  I'm trying to remind myself, that while the weight is coming of slowly (1lb a week average) it's coming off!  It seems like when I get excited about hitting a weight milestone, I jinx myself.  For example, I feel like I've weighed between 205-200 lbs FOREVER!!  The other morning I weighed and finally saw 199.8!  Hallelujah!  This may not seem like a big milestone, but for me it was huge!  The next morning I weighed in at 202! Argh!  So frustrating.  However, I reminded myself that I made healthy food choices, exercised...and success is not just seen on the scale.

Speaking of exercise, I've been working out with my friend on Tuesday mornings, and it's not as unbearable as I feared.  She doesn't judge me and is extremely encouraging.  Don't get me wrong, it is HARD...but also rewarding.  I actually think I may have some muscles in this body of mine.  In addition to working out with Nicole on Tuesdays, I'm taking a Zumba class on Thursdays.  I've enjoyed the class and have convinced several friends to join me most of the time.  I don't know that I would go without them...so I owe them a big THANK YOU!  I try to go to the gym at least one other day a week and usually spend about 30-45 min on the treadmill.  I've even made it to 2.5 miles, which for someone who hates exercise...is quite an accomplishment!  I even run for about 5 min at a time.  I entered the lottery for the Peachtree Road Race this year, and hope to 'train' (and I use the term loosely) so that I can run a mile then walk a mile and hopefully finish in a decent time.

That's about it as far as where I am in my journey to living a healthy lifestyle....maybe I'll actually update again next week after my appointment...or it may be a few months...who knows :)

Update

Well, so it's been over a month since my last blog, but there really hasn't been to much to write about. I've lost a total of 24.6 lbs with weight watchers, and 33 lbs since my first Dr. appointment. Yay me! :) It really has been very easy. I haven't had any sugar since November 16th, and I don't really ever crave it. I had mm's all over my house in December as apart of my decorations and didn't eat one! I didn't really even want one. I had several friends and their kids over one night and we decorated gingerbread houses. I didn't even lick icing off my fingers. (That was hard, but not because I wanted the sugar, I just did not want to have to go to the sink every 2 seconds).

Ever since my diagnosis of diabetes I was crazy worried about Christmas day. We eat breakfast at my sister's house and she makes some amazing breakfast casseroles, and mom has homemade sweet rolls. I ate 2 boiled eggs and some Greek yogurt. We then drove to St. Simons just in time for Christmas dinner at my aunt and uncle's house. This is where most of my worry was placed. You see, my uncle is an AMAZING chef! I always say chef because he is much more than just a good cook. One of my favorite things about Christmas dinner is his scalloped oysters...with butter, creme, and LOTS of saltine crackers. He also makes some amazing desserts. I made up my mind about what I would eat weeks before Christmas and made a sugar free pumpkin pie so that I would have something sweet to eat with everyone else. I called my aunt to find out what was on the menu and decided I would eat turkey, beef, and collard greens. I even decided that I would eat a serving of scalloped oysters....eating around the crackers. It was great! Everything tasted amazing and I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. That was totally God's grace! I even lost 4.8 lbs that week!

Mom and Mema gave me several gift certificates to Anytime Fitness here in Cleveland for Christmas and I joined at the beginning of the month. I have been once. I do NOT like to exercise. I feel like I am under a microscope and that people are thinking..."Look at that girl jiggle as she runs"...."She only walked for 30 min?" "She is so slow, that's not going to get her anywhere". I also have a fear of the weights because I don't know what I'm doing and don't want to look like a fool. This is something that must get over and have been praying about. If you read this, and pray, please pray that the Lord would give me a desire to work out, and that I would find/make a friend that would work out with me to make my workouts more enjoyable. (Funny how prayer works, I just typed that sentence and got a text from a friend asking if I wanted to 'play' Just Dance on the Wii tomorrow! I love when prayers are answered before they are even asked.)

Speaking of exercise, I'm meeting with a friend tomorrow who offered to help me with personal training. I said at the beginning of this journey that I want to be completely honest with myself and my readers, both of you, so here's another truth. I am scared! I'm not worried about sweating or hard work, I'm scared of disappointing her. I scared of her thinking less of me because of my lack of stamina, or the state of my out-of-shapeness (yes it's a word :) ) I'm scared of failure and not being able to do what is asked of me. Why oh why is it so hard for me to be content in Jesus. Why is his loving me not enough? Why do I need the approval of others? I need to cast off the cares of this world and the things that weigh me down and live in the freedom that is Jesus. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner that has been released from jail, but doesn't know how to walk out. So, I took the first step and committed to 4 sessions with her. I really do know that she truly has a heart of gold and wants me to be successful. She cares about me and whats me to succeed. Oh how I let the enemy win the battle in my mind.

Speaking of the mind, I've been thinking a lot about that lately. My whole battle with weight and exercise has been a battle of my mind. I would eat because I deserved it. I needed the ice cream, or chocolate, or chips because I'd had a bad dad, or a good day, or whatever. I could rationalize eating anything. I feel like my success this far has first occurred in my mind...most thanks to my diabetes. Sugar is not beneficial for my blood sugar so I made a mental decision not to eat it. That is why it has been so easy for me to say no to dessert, even when it is right in front of me. I made up my mind early that I would say no to sugar. Before I started this journey, I would tell myself that it was too hard to say no, that I was genetically inclined to be fat, or that it wasn't worth it....all lies. It's amazing what a simple change of mindset can do. I can only thank Jesus for that change....that's the only explanation for where it came from.

Knowing is Power...And Now I Know

I finally attended the diabetic education class today. It was an all day event (8:30-4:00). I learned alot, some was good news, some was bad.

THE GOOD:
- I can actually eat fruit...in moderation....but I can eat it! I have been eating less than 15 carbs per meal, but was told today that I can have 45 per meal. HALLELUJAH!

- There are lots of great medication options.

- I'm not alone, there are support options.

- I can eat some of my favorite things at Christmas dinner.

- Knowledge is power...and now I have knowledge.

- With lots of hard work I can prevent/prolong having serious complications.

THE BAD:

- This is not reversible. I will always have diabetes, and will always have to monitor my blood glucose.

- There are lots of serious possible complications.

- Treatment, and living this new healthy lifestyle will take lots of planning and creativity to keep cost down and to be successful.

Thanksgiving: Week 2 Update

So I'm not the most creative with my titles...but oh well. Last week was a pretty good week. I'm anxious to get started with my diabetic education classes. This has been my #1 frustration. I don't know how to best change my eating habits, and don't necessarily trust the online information I'm finding. When I was first diagnosed on 11/9/11 Dr. Newton said that he was referring me to diabetic education. I never heard from the office so I called the following Monday to ask and was told that since Dr. Newton is new to the practice they still haven't worked out some communication kinks, and therefore didn't get the referral. I had an appointment 2 days later and still had not heard from the referral nurse. After talking to Dr. Newton I went to the referral desk to find out what the hold up was. I was told that the classes are only offered once per month, and that I had already missed the November class (which was 'usually' the 3rd week of the month). As of today, I have STILL NOT HEARD as to when the December class is! It is so frustrating! So for now my meals consist of 2 boiled eggs for breakfast and a chicken breast and veggie (usually collard greens or asparagus) for lunch and dinner. I keep sugar free jello in the fridge for the evenings when I want something that's sweet. I can't wait to know exactly how many carbs I can have so that I can (hopefully) reintroduce fruit to my diet! It is getting really difficult eating the same thing everyday...and I'm afraid that if I don't introduce some variety I'm setting myself up for failure.

Weight watchers what disappointing last week. I lost 1.7 lbs. I know that it's a loss, but that's only 4 lbs in 2 weeks. It seems that I should be losing more with the lack of carbs/calories that I'm eating....but I'm trying to remind myself that a loss is a loss!

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I did really well. We had a non-traditional meal of beef tenderloin, collard greens, asparagus, cauliflower mash, and sweet potato fries. I didn't eat the sweet potatoes or the cauliflower, but mainly because I wasn't really that hungry (PTL!) I did have a slice of sugar-free pumpkin pie that I made...and it was really good!

My blood sugars are slowly going down. On average it runs in the 130's. Dr. Newton says that my fasting sugar needs to be at 100 or I'm going to have to start a non-insulin shot. I can not imagine having to give myself a shot everyday so I'm REALLY praying that by my appointment next Wednesday they will be at 100!

Week 1 Update

I really really want to blog, but I'm not sure I have anything to say. But I read somewhere that you should write...even if you don't have anything to say. So here I am.

After my diagnosis I stopped eating all sugars and most carbohydrates. I've never been a huge dessert fan, but I do like to have something sweet every now and then. The last time that I lost weight I depended lots on fruit, sugar-free Jello, tic tacs, and several weight watcher desserts. This time that's not possible. I can't have sugar, so that only leaves the sugar free Jello....which is ok, but lets face it, we all like a little variety. I decided last week that I would try the sugar free candies that I've seen. My favorite was Nips. They are amazing!! But no wonder, they are made with sugar alcohol, which are still carbohydrates! Same for all of the other sugar-free candy I've seen. Can we say false advertising....if sugar alcohol comes from sugar, then it's not sugar free!

My diet is pretty boring at the minute, but I'm trying to eat for nourishment, not for enjoyment. Most days I eat 2 boiled eggs for breakfast, or an occasional egg white omelet with fat free cheese and deli turkey. Breakfast is usually a chicken breast with BBQ sauce (my only sugar for the meal) and whatever left over veggie I have leftover in the fridge. Lately it's either asparagus or collard greens. My WONDERFUL mom made be lots of collards and froze them in large portions. I usually eat 1/2 for dinner and take the other 1/2 to lunch the next day. Dinner is pretty much the same as lunch, but sometimes with tilapia instead of chicken. I found an avocado veggie dip that I sometimes eat with broccoli when I get the late night munchies.

Weight watchers went well the first week. It's hard for me to eat all of my points each week since the only things that I eat that have a value is meat and dips. Veggies are 0 points. At the meeting on Monday I weighed 236.4...a 2.6 lb loss. I'm not gonna lie, I was disappointed. I keep having to remind myself that I lost almost 10 lbs the week before. I expected a bigger loss my first week. I think the last time I joined WW's I lost almost 6 lbs the first week....but I'm trying to remember that slow and steady wins the race.

I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Newton yesterday. He really just wanted to look at my numbers and make sure I was headed down the right path. My blood sugar was in the mid to high 100's which is a great improvement, however my A1C was HIGH...hoping that when it is rechecked in 3 months it is way lower and closer to a 6 or 7 . Eating right is helping, but it's going to be a slow journey! I asked if I would still have to increase to 4 pills...unfortunately he said yes...for now. I'm taking 2 this week, but hoping that I can really get my blood sugars under control and won't need to go to 4 when the time comes. As a side note, my blood pressure was great. In fact, Dr. Newton seemed to show a little concern that it could go too low. The visit in general gave me a brighter outlook....which is somewhat scary. Weird I know...but I already worry that I'll loose my motivation as I get healthy.

I never heard from the doctors office about my referral for diabetic education, which was frustrating! I asked again yesterday only to be told that they only do the class once a month, and the next class was in late December! Seriously? How am I supposed know what to eat and what all these medical stats mean with out this class? A friend told me about a member of our church that is actually the Diabetic Education Coordinator in Gainesville, so I approached her at church Sunday to ask a few questions. She said that I could have 45 carbs per meal. Great news, but I haven't done that yet. I'm wondering if no carbs will get my blood sugar down faster? I could be totally wrong and it could be like water....the more you drink, the less you retain. I really want to get as much knowledge as possible about this disease so that I can fight it and win the war...with as few a battles as possible. I keep searching the internet, but it's hard to know what's true and whats opinion...or a sales pitch for a medication. I'm really looking forward to the education classes and the opportunity to learn more about what causes diabetes, and how to fight it best. I'm also hoping that there are others there that can give me ideas on what to eat and how to add more variety to my meals. I don't know how long I can endure only chicken and collards....with an occasional SF Jello.

Why?

I've spent the majority of my life being 'fat'. I have several theories as to why. Hopefully I'll get a clearer answer to the "Why?" along this journey.

I grew up in a single parent home where my mom couldn't afford fresh veggies all the time. We ate a lot of macaroni and cheese and hotdogs. I don't remember eating a lot of veggies. I think that this could be one reason why I don't really enjoy them to this day.

I've dealt with a lot of things that felt like rejection in my life. The most major was my dad choosing another family over ours. I think that was the beginning of my never feeling good enough or worthy. I've been left out intentionally (and unintentionally) and have been rejected when auditioning for a solo's or drama parts for different events. Both of my Grandmothers have had expectations of me that I didn't meet. I was the only granddaughter on one side and never felt thin enough, girly enough, or eloquent enough for her liking. On the other side I was the biggest grandchild and always felt somewhat out of place and was always doing something wrong. My mom always seems to see the negative in what I do (or don't do). When she is positive I have a hard time excepting it as genuine. I've always been the person that gives in to what others want. I would rather someone else choose an activity or restaurant than have them be disappointed in the choice that I might make. I've always cheered for the underdog, and hoped that someone would cheer for me. All of this is how I FEEL...not necessarily what is TRUE! They are excuses that I need to overcome...and they are all lies from the enemy. We all make mistakes and I need to forgive those that have hurt me in the past and seek to be optimistic. My dad made some hurtful decisions, but they have been made and my holding on to the hurt doesn't help him, me, or our relationship. Everyone deserves and opportunity to be the "star" at some point, my being rejected only made way for others to have the spotlight. I wasn't rejected. I was selfish. My Grandmothers weren't disappointed in who I was, they only saw who I could be and wanted to best for me. My mom loves me. She is my biggest supporter. She may not say it, but she sees the best in me...I mean who tells people that they are glad they took the trash out or love the freshly cut grass? So what if someone is disappointed in my choice of restaurant or activity? They can voice their opinion and we can compromise, or they don't have to participate...and really are they going to be disappointed? I have great taste and it's just one meal. What's wrong for cheering for the underdog? I'm commanded to care for orphans and widows and show compassion.

I allow satan to whisper lies in to my ear way to much. John 8:44 says that "He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.' I must remind myself of this daily and recognize that he is a liar! I need to hold on to truth. God chose me. He adopted me as an heir with Christ. He finds me worthy because of no act of my own. He loves me and created me to glorify Him. I can do that by being obedient and enjoying him.

Starting Over: New Lifestyle, New Journey, New Blog

I've never been much of a blogger, as evidenced by the fact that this is my first post in two and a half years. I just never thought that I really had anything to say, or that others would want to read. And I wasn't sure that I wanted to be vulnerable enough to share the things that may be helpful to others (and myself). So I've decided that I need to blog to help get my thoughts and feeling out of my head. With that said, I'm not going to do a lot of editing, or proofreading. I'm going to lay aside my fear of judgement, and just be honest with myself as I start this new journey. So if your one of the FIVE people that use to follow my blog two years ago...feel free to un-follow me if you think I'm being too honest or can't handle all the grammatical errors and typos. I won't be offended :)

I've been feeling tired, lethargic, and just blah over the last month or so. I started stopping by the Ingles pharmacy when I was grocery shopping to check my blood pressure. It was always in the 140's over 90's, which is high. Although I didn't really want to have a doctor tell me that I had high blood pressure because of my weight, I decided that I didn't want to die or get worse, so I better make an appointment. That appointment was at 3:00 on 11/2/11. I weighed 248 lbs and my doctor prescribed a blood pressure medication and asked me to come in the next day to have some blood drawn to test my cholesterol, kidney function, thyroid, and insulin levels. He also wanted to see me in one week. I got a call from the nurse that Friday saying that my thyroid, and kidney function looked good, but my cholesterol was high and my insulin levels were abnormal. I was upset. This could have all been prevented. I began eating better (lean meat, fruits, and veggies, low fat). I even attended a Weight Watchers meeting that next Monday (weighed in at 240). On November 9, 2011 I meet with Dr. Newton (after weighing in at 238) to go over my lab results. My fears were confirmed. I have Type 2 Diabetes. After this appointment, I am now taking 2 blood pressure pills, 1 diabetes pill, and 1 cholesterol pill. I'm the girl that will endure a headache because I hate taking medication! At the moment this is my motivation, to get off of all the medication!

Was I upset? yes. But, I'm choosing to look at this optimistically. I had NO desire to eat healthy or exercise prior to 11/2/11. This is a wake up call for me. I am currently motivated to not only change my eating habits, but to change my lifestyle. Part of the reason that I need to blog about my journey is because I don't want to loose weight and get off of my medication only to revert to old habits and be back where I am. I'm hoping that by being real with myself (and whoever is reading this) I will learn from my mistakes and not return to this place.